Friday, June 27, 2008

License to kill (people with my car)

Reading that, employment and voter registration are understandable, but this paper doesn't let me get public benefits? NO MORE DRINKING BINGES?!

But anyway.

So that's a picture from my new... provisional driver's license! I know, lame picture huh. I say the DMV should just make all our license stuff before hand on the ASSUMPTION that we past the test the first day we take it. That way, if someone, I DON'T KNOW, has a Kanga blog, he can take a picture of the actual license instead of getting a piece of paper with some words on it. Seriously now. What's wrong with them? DMV must stand for Demonically Melts Vains! Which is really gross, maybe even more so than melting brains; at least brains are a common body part to destroy. But vains? The DMV sickens me.

Okay I lie, the DMV is alright, but only because I was able to pass my driving test!! But in a few years (or months) I'll probably go back to being annoyed at them. Stupid vain melters.

But this morning before the test I was really freaking out. Well, I was half asleep, half freaking out, so it was like sleep freaking, which could sound really inappropriate out of context, but I was! I woke up at 5 and wasn't able to go back to sleep till 7 because I kept on half dreaming about failing my driving test. School doesn't do this to me because I don't wake up late enough to sleep freak about tests.

The night before I was watching a bunch of YouTube videos of driving tests when I came across this one!

When I got to the Long Beach DMV, I had to wait in a line of other cars to take the test. It reminded me of those lines in water parks when you have to wait in line with your innertubes. Cept these were cars, not innertubes.

The test really wasn't that bad. I have compiled YES ANOTHER LIST! I think these lists should be in every post; they're quite easy to read. Here are my...

Tips for taking the driving test!

Tip #1: Stay calm. It really helps if you keep your cool. If you don't, you might end up doing something crazy like jumping out the window instead of changing lanes. Oh that should be a tip on its own!

Tip# 2: Don't jump out the window when you are driving.
There is no point in doing so, and you will die.

Tip# 3: Don't start a conversation with the examiner.
During the test I had to drive another backseat passenger. His name was Lingering Awkward Silence. I really wanted to strike up a conversation with my examiner, say something like "So... you're testing people all day, eh?" or "Been in any good crashes lately?". I held my breath, though, because I would've come off as some kind of freak trying to get brownie points from small talk. And I wouldn't have been, I just wanted to kill that stupid Lingering Awkward Silence.

Tip# 4: Know where the defroster button is.
I almost forgot.

Tip# 5: Don't fart.
No, I didn't fart when I took my test. But boy, wouldn't THAT have been embarrassing! But if you do fart, I have tips for that! If it is a loud fart, you could either just give the examiner a funny look to put the blame on him, or you could say "Dangit, I should NOT have worn my squeaky shoes today!" (but only if it's a squeaky fart). If it is a smelly fart, suffocate the gas into your seat. If the smell still breaks free, look outside at a place and say something like "Oh yknow this area used to be a dump" or "Hey, they just recently manured that park.". Don't worry, he'll fall for it.

Tip# 6: Over exaggerate your scanning.
Haha, I actually read this on a forum and I thought it was funny. When you're scanning traffic at intersections and stuff, make sure the examiner KNOWS you are scanning. Don't just shift your eyes. Maybe you could even talk to yourself like "HMMM... no cars coming from the left... none from the right... I am going to drive smoothly through this intersection!! Boy do I love driving safely. If driving safely were tangible, I'd marry it. Maybe not take it on a honeymoon because of my low income of $0, but I'll make sure it's happy!" ..Actually don't over do it, but mention that low income thing for sympathy.

Tip# 7: Flirt!
Just kidding. But not really. Only if you're hot. Just kidding. But not really. Because it could help.

Tip# 8: Make your examiner comfortable.
The more comfortable he is, the happier he'll be, the more likely you are to pass! However, foot massages are not recommended. It's not so much the awkwardness and the fact that there's no time to even give foot massages, but it would just be really, really gross. Why the heck would you give your driving test examiner a foot massage. You and your crazy ideas!

Tip 9: Make complete stops BEFORE the stop signs and signal lights.
I knew a guy once who didn't stop before the stop sign; he killed 3 kids, and the kids' mother. He only ran over the father's legs, but the father had to lay there and watch his family perish under the car of the guy who didn't stop before the stop sign. HAH okay that never happened but MAN I'm good at writing morbid stuff. My first draft of this was a lot worse, but I didn't wanna scare people away. In conclusion, stop before the line!

Tip# 10: Park correctly.
I did not. I was going into this one spot, but I wasn't gonna make it, so the examiner was like "Go to that spot! Go to THAT spot!", pointing at the adjacent space. I parked way crooked with one wheel on the line. Luckily, I think he determined that I passed before I parked, so YAY!

As long as you follow these rules, you should do fine! Oh, and also if you can drive well. THAT would help in a driving test.


BTW, I can't give anyone rides. MUAHAH! The power to not use my power!

1 comment:

Diana said...

hahaha make your examiner comfortable: mine had a really bad runny nose and i had tissue hidden behind her chair, but she was being really mean to me so i didn't offer her any >[ tfs :]