Friday, August 8, 2008

Art thou finished?

I am happy. Do you know why? Because I am...

Done done done done done WITH ART CLASS!


Don't get me wrong, I love my art, I love my graphites and inks and charcoals and matte sprays in dozens of non-drugular ways. But this art class at Cerritos College - Mon-Thur 5:45pm-10:00pm - really sucked up a lot of my time. It was incredibly energy draining, AND, I had to miss so many cross country practices! Why would I spend 4 hours sitting in one spot when I could spend 2 hours running around everywhere? Random guy: "I don't know!". Yeah, well me neither.

But I am done! And I am elated! No more Lee's Sandwiches 4 nights a week.

Yesterday was my last day, and I have to say it was the BEST art class day ever! Why? All I did was sit and eat. POTLUCK WITH ART STUDENTS YEAH! I literally ate some of everything and the girl behind me didn't eat anything! CRAZY.

Whenever I go to potlucks, there's always that one person who brings their awesome "Homemade whathaveyou!", and that's usually the best stuff. But honestly, all the food was delicious. Rice stuff, tamale stuff, potato wedge stuff, date stuff, cookie and chip stuff... I tried really hard not to snicker when I saw the only haram whip out a bucket of fried chicken. HEE...

But I digress.

Now if there was anything I learned from that class, I learned how to look like one badass artist. For my younger viewers, I'll replace that word with "hardcore". GET READY TO LEARN.

How To Look Like One Hardcore Artist (while you're drawing and people are watching you):

1 - Wear a hat.
First and foremost, you will receive a very mysterious look with a hat. What's under that hat? Why is he wearing one? Is he trying to conceal his brain power? What does his hair look like? Wearing hats also let you display your uniquosity. Whether it be a sombrero or a beret, people will look at you and say "Oh suhnap. This person has one more piece of clothing than I do; AND IT'S ON HIS HEAD! He must be good at art." Note to you, if you wear a cap, don't wear it backwards, wear it normally. Backwards caps for are for punks who grew up in the 90's, but forward caps shadow the face.

2 - Have a water bottle.
Who usually has water bottles? Hardcore athletes, that's who. If you have a water bottle while you're drawing, you're pretty much saying that your art is so intense that if a referee were here, he'd be calling fouls left and right. You sweat, you cringe, you grow so physically tired from producing masterpieces that it is necessary to have a water bottle at hand to soothe any extreme challenges. A good time to drink the actual water is when you want to take a break and pause to look at the composition of your piece. However, be sure to keep your eyes on your paper when you tilt your head to loudly gulp that energy liquid. It will look like your breaks aren't even break, they're just speed bumps that don't affect your monster truck brain.

3 - Use an electric... anything.
Honestly, to separate a pro from a noob, get some electric equipment. Don't over do it though, maybe like an electric eraser and electric mini vacuum (to clean up the electrified eraser lint) at the most. This would show that you are not the average consumer, you are not some silly nilly who gets all his pencils from the ground at school. No, it shows you go to some hidden (probably illegal) store to purchase an obscure eraser for fifty bones, custom made to fit your hand and encrusted with 2 ounces of pure emerald. This may not be true, but that's what an electrical utensil will do to people. It will make people believe you are one hardcore artist. Besides, if Wikipedia serves me right, I believe Leonardo da Vinci once used a steam powered ruler.

4 - Stand when there's a chair.
There is a table. There is a chair. You are about to begin your piece. Do you sit down? NO. That's what they expect you to do. People will always have expectations as to what is going to happen. If you keep them guessing what the heck your next action is, well then they'd just be constantly flabbergasted! "Oh, he's gonna start... now he's just gonna sit dow- WHAT?! HIS BUTT NEEDS NO CUSHION?! That was not on the agenda! This guy is hardcore. I am intrigued..." If your legs get tired, unfortunately you just have to suck it up to retain your hardcore image.

YUP! So now you know how to look awesome. Now the second part of actually BEING a hardcore artist is to have breathtaking pieces... but there are not really any instructions for that. At least you know how to look like one! So go ahead and draw weird airplanes that accidentally look like penguins, people will initially be taken back by your hat, water bottle, electricity, and chair-lacking, and the first impression is all that matters!

Yay no more art class.


kiweesplash said...

HAHAHAHA. thanks for the tips.

Shelley said...

HAHAHAHA haram!!